.desires.

I've been thinking about desires lately. What causes a desire? What makes us follow through on desires? Why do we abandon our desires? Are some desires of higher value or worth than others? Does God approve of all desires?
I am not going to spend time on the sexual nature of some desires. Everyone knows those are natural, but should be used wisely. Desires are subject to laws and commandments. That's part of the progress that the Gospel talks about - we have to use the Atonement to harness our desires, and make God's desires become our desires. That is a sign that we love God and want to serve Him - when we give up our "poor" desires and take on His "higher" desires.

But how do you tell if your good desire is something He desires or not? When you have to choose between two good desires, which one does He wish that you would choose? How do you reconcile yourself to His will when you're not sure if either of them fit, or which one fits His will? I am under the very strong belief that the Lord teaches us correct principles so that we can govern ourselves. We are given agency - we have the power to choose whether to follow His commandments or not to. It's black and white. If we choose to follow Him, we are demonstrating a desire to follow His will, to take on His desire.

So because of this, the Lord is happy when we are following His commandments. They are set up to protect, bless and teach us. I feel strongly that there is not one set course that we are meant to follow in our mortal lives. The Lord sees our lives kind of as a "make your own ending" - when we use our agency, He finds ways to teach us the lessons that we need to learn in the circumstances that we've chosen. Again, this is all assuming we've made good choices in line with His principles, doctrine and commandments.

All this spurred because I am currently trying to take some big steps in my life. One big choice is whether to abandon everything I've been doing here at school and go for a year and a half to some undetermined place in the world to preach the true Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have a very strong desire to do so, to serve others and bring happiness and peace and comfort to a troubled world. But a part of me wants to make sure that is what the Lord would have me do. I realize now, though, based on my thoughts above, that He is probably not going to give me a huge green light saying, Yes, now! Go!

What I've decided is to make sure the Spirit is close to me at all times. That way I can get used to feeling the Spirit all the time, or as much as I am humanly and fallibly possible. I'll also keep working in the direction of going on a mission. If it's wrong, I'll know. He won't let me do something that I'm not supposed to do.

It's a good spot in life to be in - choosing between two good things. So no complaints. =]

.shallow waters.

Alert: This is a very selfish blog.

I'm so sick of boys not caring. I'm doing my very best to be the best person I can be. And I feel like no one is noticing that. I'm sick of boys being shallow. I'm sick of the same pattern over and over: "I really think she's cool and an amazing girl, but I'm not sure why I'm not interested in her." What is that? Why don't guys like me? Why don't they know why they don't like me?

Is it looks? If so, how freaking shallow is that? No, I'm not gorgeous. But I'm not HIDEOUS either... It's like I repel them or something. I try to have a good sense of humor and personality around guys - they bring out the best in me usually. So maybe there's some huge physical feature I need to change. Or maybe I'm not seeing something in my personality that I'm not already aware of.

But holy crap. I'm so sick of this. I know I'm still young but most people at my age have at least had something. The closest I got.. well... it's still complicated with him. I'm worried that I'm so frustrated with everything that I'll just settle for him.

I am trying to fill my life with other things so that I can have a real life. Especially if I'm going to be living alone for most of my life...

Geez. It's a miracle anyone gets married.

Rant partially over for now.

Peace.