. ______ .

So I think it'd be better if I didn't interact with people. There would not be as many loved ones, and myself, hurt if I stuck to my room and wrote these pointless blogs instead.


Yes that's dramatic. Yes I feel that way.


Gosh.


I'm so grateful for the friends I have. I'm grateful for those who are so understanding and open and accepting and willing to love me for all of my faults. It's overwhelming. I don't deserve it. Especially when the act of certain friends doing that hurts them so immensely.


Last night was the hardest thing I have ever done. Mostly because I could relate. Completely. I have nightmares of that happening to me. And I caused that. I was the nightmare-inducer. I still can't believe that happened last night. But I know it happened. I won't take back anything I said. I see no way that "it" would work out. It was all said from the deepest purgatories of my heart. But I feel terrible it had to be said in the first place.


But holy toledo. We're still friends. SURPRISE! Man alive. That's a huge weight off my shoulders that we are still as close as ever. Today proved that.




Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe it's too hard to ask to be only friends.












I'd like to live a simple life.


Consistency. I cling to consistency.

.strike.

I'm hurting.







Badly.














But life is beautiful...

.trim.

I had an interesting realization the other day. T'was "studying" with a friend at Denny's. When I say "studying" I mean we were distracted and talking about other things. Had to explain that - sounds sketchy otherwise. Anyway, we were talking about my living in the Spanish house this summer. I realized that I am going to be living across the street from both the MTC and the temple. Think about that statement. I live across the street from the temple. An LDS temple. A house of God. Now think of how many people travel for days, scrimp and save and starve and sacrifice in order to travel to a temple. And I live across the street from one. That got me to thinking, how often do I actually go to the temple? Am I taking advantage of the opportunity I have now? Am I taking that sacred building for granted? No. Yes.

I don't like hurting people. I think I'm hurting a few people right now just by living my life, trying to progress, trying to achieve my dreams, and trying to obtain desires that I know I cannot have. I'd like them to let me know if I am hurting them.

I hate dating. I hate relationships. I hate the game we have to play. I hate that it's based on timing. I hate that it's one-sided. I hate that there's often interest on my side and not his. I hate that there's less often interest on his side but not on mine.

I hate that that sounded so incredibly jaded, cynical and bitter.

I also feel that I am not there for people like I once was. My best friend the other night kept hinting that I don't tell her things anymore. I have had other close friends tell me similar things. My roommates are distancing themselves from me. I feel like I haven't really been able to connect with them lately. Maybe because I stay on campus till 10, 11, or 12 every night. And also because I've made friends outside the apartment and they really haven't...and if they have, those friends come to our apartment.

I want to be there for people. I just don't have the manpower for it. The girls related to my calling are suffering and I can't help them. I can't do it alone. I need the Lord to help me help them. I've been lacking in that lately. I'm going to change.

There's probably more I could say here.