.desert.

On Sunday I made myself three goals for this week.

1. Soak in every moment, live each one to it's fullest. Don't let a moment pass me by.
2. Stay optimistic, have a cheerful attitude, search for the happiness in my day.
3. Don't analyze others. Don't judge them, even just a little bit. Look for the good in each person I interact with.

So far that's been pretty successful. I've had a better week than most. The only thing I've not done so well is the third one. I'm not judging people persay. But I am taking a lot of time to analyze a few people's actions/words in relation to me. So this is my wakeup call. I'm not doing that anymore - I'm not going to spend so much time on them. I'm going to focus on #1 and #2 when I'm around them.

We did an interesting activity the other night. T'was a psychological test that sheds light on your own personality. I found it interesting that my desert was so vast and open, yet I wasn't worried about the fact that I couldn't see the end of it. I was more intrigued and curious. I love that that optimistic view came out in my desert vision. It's true though - I'm not worried about what my future holds. Yes, I could be anywhere in a year or in five years. But I know the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He will always be with me in whatever I choose as long as it's good and a righteous desire and I continue to keep His commandments.

My box was interesting as well. It collects the little pleasures in life, the sweet things, the important things. I do that. I learn through experience. I have to go out and do something in order to learn it. Also, the slats are something I need to work on. My slats are close together. I need to make mine more of a transparent box in the sense that I open myself up to people. The fact that I'm saying this here on a blog in cyberspace is proof that I don't share myself with others very often. I've definitely been working on that - my roommates have made it their unspoken goal.
The treasures came from using the ladder. It's so true that I use my religion in order to gain little jewels of knowledge, understanding, spiritual insight and personality traits. The religion came from the watering hole near the area. To me, that represents the Savior. He is my Source of truth and light and wisdom and understanding. Through Him and the gospel (the ladder), I can become a sturdy, steadfast and immovable box.

My plant surprised me. I hadn't thought about that childhood plant until the other night. I had forgotten it existed. So the fact that that came up instantly when he said to imagine a plant is a little odd. But I like that my children will be sturdy in their gold pots. They'll be vibrant and exuberant and strong. At least I'm going to try to teach them to be that way.

My horse will help with that. I can tell because it was always around. Never left to go wander or do it's own thing. Was always there for me. I love that I didn't ever go looking for the horse - it came to me. That's always been my little girl's fantasy. That my "horse" will unexpectedly come into my life, then stick around for as long as needs by, preferably eternity. =] My horse was protection. My horse was my friend.

I love the storm analogy. I didn't mind getting wet, but I was still cautious to avoid the immediate danger. That's how I go about it as well. I don't seek my trials but I definitely don't shy away from them. I face them with my head held high.

My friend is going through an excruciatingly hard time right now. She's so incredibly strong and so incredibly brilliant. She's a beautiful person literally inside and out. Has so many things to offer the world, and her immediate friends and family and community. Yet loved ones in her life are not seeing that. It's heartbreaking to see that she does not believe this because these people have told her so. I want somehow to help her see this. I'm doing all I can. I jump at the chance to have her tell me how she's feeling. I want to be the best supportive friend that I humanly can. But there's only so much I or any of us can do without her trying to believe it herself. And it's going to be hard to come to that belief. She's going to have to really rely on the Lord for Him to show her the bigger picture. And hot dang, she'll have to forgive her loved ones, especially her mother. I love that the Atonement is designed for that. How beautiful a concept that the Savior was aware that my friend would be suffering and He willingly embraced that suffering and made it obsolete and accounted for it through His love and humility. How beautiful that 2000 years ago, my friend was thought of and considered and concerned over and loved. How beautiful that if she only accepts this fact and takes advantage of it, that her pain will be lessened, even removed through His LOVE. How beautiful is this gospel!

I am so grateful that I have the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is a knowledge - I know it to be true. I know that my Heavenly Father lives and is aware of every aspect of my life. He knows that I am thinking of Him right now as I type this sentence. He is aware of my challenges, aware of my shortcomings, aware of my aspirations and dreams and deepest desires. And He wants to be actively involved. He is actively involved because I make Him so. I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, lives as well. I know that He suffered for all of those shortcomings I have, all of the idiotic things I've done, all of the times I've hurt other people, all of the times I have felt lonely, afraid, heartbroken, desperate, worried, stressed, or confused. He also shares in my joys. I know that Joseph Smith saw Them almost two hundred years ago. I know it. I have actually been to the place where it happened. You don't have to travel there to know of the truth of the account, but to actually be there is an added witness to my testimony that Joseph Smith was indeed a prophet of God. He translated the Book of Mormon, that sacred book that testifies of my beloved Friend and Savior Jesus Christ. That sacred book that gives me so much guidance and insight and knowledge. Through that sacred book is how most of my knowledge of the gospel was obtained. That sacred book taught me about the Spirit, the Holy Ghost. I have such a strong and enduring testimony of the Spirit. I am learning more and more how to recognize the promptings and messages I receive from the Spirit. In the past I have had countless experiences so dear to my heart. Through the Spirit I have been able to develop a love for my Heavenly Father and for my Savior. I have so much hope and security in knowing that I can communicate with my Father in Heaven through the Spirit. I can communicate! It's a two-way street. I can testify to that. I also have security in this life because I know that the prophet today, Thomas S. Monson, also communicates with God. He receives revelation for the Church and for me during these chaotic times in the world. All in all, I am so incredibly blessed for having this knowledge. I don't always recognize the magnitude of these blessings until I hear of someone who doesn't know of it. Which leads me to want to share that with them. How anyone could not feel the way I feel about life, and the purpose of it, and for the world and life to come... it's unfathomable. I see the suffering, the wandering in the world. I feel so compelled to share it with those who are needing and seeking it. I don't want anyone to feel like they are lacking. I want them to have the fullness of joy!


This life is beautiful. It may be a desert at times, but it's got such a wonderful watering hole that I can't help but plunge in!

.new soul.

It's funny how many thoughts that need to be put in a blog run through my head as soon as I sit down to start studying or something productive/worthwhile.
This is a pretty introspective time for me right now. I'm really realizing more things about myself and it's through people's reactions to me. How they treat me. How they don't treat me. What they tell me. Who speaks to me. Who laughs with me. Who laughs at me. But I don't have those realizations solidified yet so I don't want to write this here. That's how I work. I have to have all the answers/ideas completely formed in my head before I can actually bring them out into the real world. Some people don't like that I do that - they want to know what's going on in my head right there, right now. But that's how they work. I'm more introverted in the sense that I figure things out inside before I speak/act on them.

I feel like people are progressing forward, people are doing things with their lives, people are learning, people are adapting, people are growing and I am stagnant. I am in a routine where I don't necessarily grow. Sure I'm learning academic things but how much of it actually applies? How much of Johann Sebastian Bach's life am I going to have to know in my future career or for my family? How much of the theories behind psychological testing am I going to need when I'm raising my children or working in the Church? I feel like people around me are basically doing things and I'm doing nothing. If I had a choice of being left behind or leaving others behind, I'd rather leave them behind. It sounds selfish and that's because it is. I guess that means I'd rather be successful than see my friends and loved ones achieve their dreams. I hate that about myself. This semester is supposed to be about everyone else. I made it a goal that I'd get out of myself and help others. I am not making a squat of difference in anyone's life right now. Sure, I'll be there for the occasional heart-to-heart or venting session, but what does that actually accomplish for that person? Nothing. It only makes them dwell on their problems more and sit around moping/wondering/worrying instead of getting out there and changing it. Why am I such a worthless friend/sister/daughter/cousin/niece?

I'm in a self-esteem rut too. It happens sometimes, deal with it. But this one is different. Normally it's an internal self-esteem. I feel like I'm a good person, I KNOW that I'm a daughter of Heavenly Father and that I am loved endlessly and ETERNALLY by Him. I know that. I know I have a lot of talents and I have a lot to offer. That's not what I'm worrying about. I'm worrying about my outside traits. Which is so superficial and so....girly. It's not me. I haven't had these thoughts since probably middle school. Actually I know it was middle school - when I had a reason to. I had that ridiculous mouthpiece thing and was super self-conscious about it. I learned back then that a lot of physicalities that might bother you NO ONE notices. So don't fret. And for the few things that people do notice, since they already notice it, you can't do anything about it. So just live and let live, learn to love who you are on the outside and embrace it. I gained a ton of confidence that way. And I do still have it to a degree. But now I'm starting to falter. Because I'm realizing that you actually do have to care how you look if you want any, uh, attention from that other sex. I HATE society and how they do that! Even re-reading a bit of what I've just written makes me sick. It's a weird dichotomy that I'm in. Anyway, yeah. Guys here in Provo are pretty superficial. They're PICKY because they can afford to be. It's one thing back home to find the pretty girls, realize they're idiots, and then turn back to the plain/ugly fun/smart/interesting girls. But here they're pretty much all good girls AND attractive. So those of us who might have a lot to offer, those who have a "good personality" or who are "really great" or "sweet spirits" get basically shafted because of the girls who "have it all." I'm pretty sick of it. I'm sick of being shafted just because my skin isn't the caliber of Snow White. (Well, I've got the color right...heh) Just because I'm not a size 2. Just because my nose is slightly larger than it should be. Just because I don't cough out mountains of cash to have my eyebrows perfected. Just because my haircut doesn't perfectly accentuate my face. Just because my teeth aren't fantastically white. Just because my arms aren't toned. It's ridiculous. And some are going to deny it. They'll say I'm being sensitive, overly critical. But if you look at my track record, there's a pretty big correlation to when I was in an "attractive" state, like junior year of high school, and the number of people showing interest/dates/whatever. It's AGGRAVATING. I'm the friend. I love being that. I love being the person that people can come to. But that's the age-old question isn't it, HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THE FRIEND STAGE? How do you get someone to see you in that "other light" after they've gotten to know you? There's got to be an attraction beforehand, everyone says it. But that's impossible at this point. Yes, I'm probably sounding irrational. But I just needed to get this out there. I'm not WILLING to change these things...I've learned to accept them...And it's not GOOD enough for people. So I'm just going to be the stubborn git that I am and become that spinster I've always threatened to become.

I really do love life, I promise.

.pensamientos.

I love Spanish. I love everything about it. I'm still not fluent, but I'm improving exponentially now that I have a native profesora. There's so many rules and so many nit-picky things to learn about the language. I'm learning to just forget about those rules, relax a bit more, and just let it flow. Sometimes it does. It helps that I have friends who are fluent. When we talk, I get intimidated a lot of the time because I don't feel like I measure up to their level. But at least I get some wicked-good practica. This summer's going to be amazing with the Foreign Language Program. I'm excited to just immerse myself in it. Again, it's going to be hard. Not only am I not going to know anyone, it's going to be a lot of work and brainpower in order to make it as successful as possible. But I can do it. This is something I really want to do.

I've been thinking a lot about who I am as a person. I was speaking with a friend about passive/agressive/passive-aggressive/assertive personality types. And I realized I'm not sure who I am in that regard. I would like to think of myself as an assertive person. But the mere fact that I am pondering this in the depths of cyberspace and don't already have it figured out makes me more passive-aggressive than anything. I hate that I'm passive-aggressive. It's as wishy-washy as I can get. There's nothing super good about that. I can never make up my mind. And when I do, sometimes I don't feel like I stick to that decision.
But I definitely have assertive traits. I'm always respectful (unless I'm teasing someone) when I speak to them. I'm able to make compromises and negotiations. The things I'm not good at are direct communication. But again, I'm working on that. I've done it so much better the past few months now that that "saga" of last semester is over.

Change is weird. I might not be living with my roommates next semester. I'm staying here instead of going home for the summer. A lot of my friends are off on missions. Additional friends are getting married (some having KIDS already). Others are graduating and going home from Provo, and it's doubtful that I'll ever see them again in this life. But I'm not amazingly sad about these changes. The only one I'm having trouble with is the graduating one. I'm so happy for them - they've done it! They've graduated college! But my selfishness doesn't want them to leave. Some of these people have helped me in ways that they'll only know in the next life, I believe. And some of them are people I'd really like to get to know on a deeper level. I feel like a few particular ones are actually making a mistake to go home. They'd be more successful here (yes here in freaking Happy Valley) in their careers, in their higher education pursuits, and yes, even in their personal relationships area. One in particular.

Anyway, here's another pointless blog to an obscure/non-existent audience.

Adieu.