.bucket list.

So a while ago, I created this bucket list. I added things to it after I posted the blog. But I have updates!



--read El libro de Mormon completamente
i stopped for a bit but I just picked it back up again!

--finish Preach My Gospel

--mission

--get endowed
started learning more and more about temples

--get autism-therapist experience.
I GOT A JOB WORKING WITH AN AUTISTIC BOY. I love it

--SENSE theatre
I sent them my resume

--travel to a foreign country (probably spanish speaking)

--continue with the research study
Check!

--keep going at Independent Study and get promoted
I have come to terms that I may not get promoted soon, but I am still working hard.

--stage manage

--try my hand at directing

--get back into creative writing
I signed up for Creative Writing but then had to drop it from my schedule. I am taking that before I graduate, though
--learn guitar

--get back into piano
ha, I got a calling. and it's Relief Society pianist.

--take an animation class

--see the Manti Pageant
Check!

--be an EFY counselor

--have a boyfriend*

I love seeing how much I've accomplished.
I could add more goals for now, but that may be a bit ambitious... for now.


For many years I have not really given much thought into peoples' interpretations of my actions. I have not given much weight in how they view me, how they interpret what I say and do/ don't do. I am considerate of others and try to treat everyone with respect and (platonic) love. But I have not bothered to wonder whether people are interpreting, viewing me in the right way.

I have come to realize over the past few months (and definitely in the past few days) that peoples' views are incredibly different. Some people can't find a fault (how in error they are). Some can't place a finger on a fault, but know that it's there. Some invent faults that I may or may not have. Some ignore my strengths and focus on my faults. Some don't even give it that much thought - they don't care to search for my strengths or my faults.

This isn't coming across very articulately. What I basically am saying is that it's all subjective and all up to interpretation.

Maybe that's a good thing.

But in matters of love, it's incredibly frustrating.

In matters of the Gospel, thank goodness the only One whose judgment matters is a perfect judge.

.bucket list.

I've got things I want to do. I put them on my Bucket List... things I want to do before I kick the bucket... Actually I'd say Diploma List...things I want to do before I graduate.


--read El libro de Mormon completamente

--finish Preach My Gospel

--mission

--get endowed

--get autism-therapist experience.

--SENSE theatre

--travel to a foreign country (probably spanish speaking)

--continue with the research study

--keep going at Independent Study and get promoted

--stage manage

--try my hand at directing

--get back into creative writing

--learn guitar

--get back into piano

--take an animation class

--see the Manti Pageant

--be an EFY counselor

--have a boyfriend*


*Marriage is floating between graduation and post-graduation. Whenever it comes, that's fine with me. As long as it's not within the year. That's too soon for me. That could be my fault though.

**This list subject to lengthening, never shortening.

.self.

Today I felt really close to myself today. My sister sent me a letter. In the envelope was a sealed envelope that read: "Don't open until Feb 2009"! It was a letter I wrote to myself two years ago as a senior in high school. Here's what part of it said:

Please, I hope as you're reading this, you have a lot of good friends around you. Maybe you'll be married. I highly doubt. My 17-year-old self fo' sho' isn't ready. Maybe you are. Please, if you're not reading your scriptures, do it. I haven't been and I think that's why I'm just so depressed and, well, I don't know the word. I guess empty. Pray to Heavenly Father. Even if you're not alone, He will still be there for you.
Take care! (Weird, I won't exist when you read this. Only in your mind...and in your heart). <3, Sydnee - Age 17.

That last bit really hit me. I felt like one of those movies where it's a split-reality. Like my old self was watching me as I read it. I wonder if we saw the whole part of our lives before we came to Earth. If we could see every decision that we'd end up making. If we could see how our agency would play out. I know Heavenly Father could see that - did He let us see that too? Was I fully aware of every single decision I'd be making if I came to Earth? Did I watch myself write this blog?

Who knows. All I know is, I want to make sure I keep living so that I make my 17-year-old, as well as my -2938485992 year-old self (pre-mortal) proud. I want to make sure I please my Father in Heaven most of all. And I'm going to do that the best that I can. Right alongside His Son.

.the enchanted loom.

Today is World Autism Awareness Day. Got me thinking about where I am in relation to my career goals. I entered BYU with the thought that I will work with autistic children one day. I want to make a difference in their lives that I've seen done in my brother's life. I hope I have the patience to do that. Sometimes I doubt if I do.

I haven't even worked with autistic kids yet. And I'm getting into my third year of college. How am I going to have the experience I need if I don't even start sometime soon?

Should I keep my current job? Should I get a second job? I could... And just take fewer classes. I don't necessarily need to graduate anytime soon. There aren't any jobs at the moment anyway. There are plenty of opportunities to work with autistic children around here. I could definitely get a second job working with kids. I get emails about them all the time from the Psychology department.

Maybe I'll start that in the summer term. Gosh I just wish it wasn't a requirement to be home by 5:30 every night for the Spanish house - that'd free up a ton more time.

Ugh. So what I've decided, I guess, is that I have a long way to go before I reach my goal of working with autistic children. But I still have the drive to do it. Especially after going to this lecture last Thursday about the technological developments in diagnosing the disorder. There are great things happening in this field.


This is what I want to see everyday:




This is why I'm here.

.influence.

In a lecture last week, the professor cited the Gutenberg Bible printed on the Gutenberg press to be the most influential of the ten most influential books ever printed. I find that interesting. Some people would generally put other books ahead of this. However, I definitely agree with him. He made the excellent point that none of the remaining nine influential books would have been known without the invention of the Gutenberg press. It is astounding to think that one invention could have the profound effect on the rest of the world for the rest of time. I wonder what other inventions have done the same thing. Without any doubt, the computer has forever changed the way that businesses are run, social interactions are made, and information is transmitted, received and processed.
Is that the same for our actions? What effect will my actions today have on others tomorrow? In a week? In a year? In a decade? In a century? A millennium? It is strange to think that my tiny insignificant being can possibly change history in the future. Is it possible that because of a blacksmith not reporting to work one summer day in 1713 that in the 20th century, I was born in California to a jeweler and his wife? Or that because one night a little boy stole a lollipop from a candy store in 1920 that I am now sitting in the class writing this blog? (and obviously not paying attention to the professor?) It is definitely food for thought. I know at least two past actions made by others that have made it possible to be where I am today. The first is of Joseph Smith’s decision to kneel in that Grove and pray. Just to pray. Because of his humble inquiry, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The second is the most profound and unfathomable action of all. Jesus Christ atoned for my sins and was crucified willingly and God-willingly so that I have a chance at returning back to my Father in Heaven eventually. Agency really is the driving force of history. And of love. And of life.

It's been awhile since I've done this..... I think I'm way past due:

Syd's Top 10 For Today:
1. The Atonement of Jesus Christ
2. Supportive friends
3. Spontaneous adventures the past three weekends!
4. Sammy's real cheesecake shakes.
5. Laughter
6. Sweet double bed with Jessie
7. Those meds I finally got yesterday!!
8. Mario Kart on the Wii
9. My =] playlist
10. Professor postponed preposterous paper.



Life has so much to offer - why haven't I seen it before? I'm seeing it now!

. ______ .

So I think it'd be better if I didn't interact with people. There would not be as many loved ones, and myself, hurt if I stuck to my room and wrote these pointless blogs instead.


Yes that's dramatic. Yes I feel that way.


Gosh.


I'm so grateful for the friends I have. I'm grateful for those who are so understanding and open and accepting and willing to love me for all of my faults. It's overwhelming. I don't deserve it. Especially when the act of certain friends doing that hurts them so immensely.


Last night was the hardest thing I have ever done. Mostly because I could relate. Completely. I have nightmares of that happening to me. And I caused that. I was the nightmare-inducer. I still can't believe that happened last night. But I know it happened. I won't take back anything I said. I see no way that "it" would work out. It was all said from the deepest purgatories of my heart. But I feel terrible it had to be said in the first place.


But holy toledo. We're still friends. SURPRISE! Man alive. That's a huge weight off my shoulders that we are still as close as ever. Today proved that.




Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe it's too hard to ask to be only friends.












I'd like to live a simple life.


Consistency. I cling to consistency.

.strike.

I'm hurting.







Badly.














But life is beautiful...

.trim.

I had an interesting realization the other day. T'was "studying" with a friend at Denny's. When I say "studying" I mean we were distracted and talking about other things. Had to explain that - sounds sketchy otherwise. Anyway, we were talking about my living in the Spanish house this summer. I realized that I am going to be living across the street from both the MTC and the temple. Think about that statement. I live across the street from the temple. An LDS temple. A house of God. Now think of how many people travel for days, scrimp and save and starve and sacrifice in order to travel to a temple. And I live across the street from one. That got me to thinking, how often do I actually go to the temple? Am I taking advantage of the opportunity I have now? Am I taking that sacred building for granted? No. Yes.

I don't like hurting people. I think I'm hurting a few people right now just by living my life, trying to progress, trying to achieve my dreams, and trying to obtain desires that I know I cannot have. I'd like them to let me know if I am hurting them.

I hate dating. I hate relationships. I hate the game we have to play. I hate that it's based on timing. I hate that it's one-sided. I hate that there's often interest on my side and not his. I hate that there's less often interest on his side but not on mine.

I hate that that sounded so incredibly jaded, cynical and bitter.

I also feel that I am not there for people like I once was. My best friend the other night kept hinting that I don't tell her things anymore. I have had other close friends tell me similar things. My roommates are distancing themselves from me. I feel like I haven't really been able to connect with them lately. Maybe because I stay on campus till 10, 11, or 12 every night. And also because I've made friends outside the apartment and they really haven't...and if they have, those friends come to our apartment.

I want to be there for people. I just don't have the manpower for it. The girls related to my calling are suffering and I can't help them. I can't do it alone. I need the Lord to help me help them. I've been lacking in that lately. I'm going to change.

There's probably more I could say here.

.desert.

On Sunday I made myself three goals for this week.

1. Soak in every moment, live each one to it's fullest. Don't let a moment pass me by.
2. Stay optimistic, have a cheerful attitude, search for the happiness in my day.
3. Don't analyze others. Don't judge them, even just a little bit. Look for the good in each person I interact with.

So far that's been pretty successful. I've had a better week than most. The only thing I've not done so well is the third one. I'm not judging people persay. But I am taking a lot of time to analyze a few people's actions/words in relation to me. So this is my wakeup call. I'm not doing that anymore - I'm not going to spend so much time on them. I'm going to focus on #1 and #2 when I'm around them.

We did an interesting activity the other night. T'was a psychological test that sheds light on your own personality. I found it interesting that my desert was so vast and open, yet I wasn't worried about the fact that I couldn't see the end of it. I was more intrigued and curious. I love that that optimistic view came out in my desert vision. It's true though - I'm not worried about what my future holds. Yes, I could be anywhere in a year or in five years. But I know the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He will always be with me in whatever I choose as long as it's good and a righteous desire and I continue to keep His commandments.

My box was interesting as well. It collects the little pleasures in life, the sweet things, the important things. I do that. I learn through experience. I have to go out and do something in order to learn it. Also, the slats are something I need to work on. My slats are close together. I need to make mine more of a transparent box in the sense that I open myself up to people. The fact that I'm saying this here on a blog in cyberspace is proof that I don't share myself with others very often. I've definitely been working on that - my roommates have made it their unspoken goal.
The treasures came from using the ladder. It's so true that I use my religion in order to gain little jewels of knowledge, understanding, spiritual insight and personality traits. The religion came from the watering hole near the area. To me, that represents the Savior. He is my Source of truth and light and wisdom and understanding. Through Him and the gospel (the ladder), I can become a sturdy, steadfast and immovable box.

My plant surprised me. I hadn't thought about that childhood plant until the other night. I had forgotten it existed. So the fact that that came up instantly when he said to imagine a plant is a little odd. But I like that my children will be sturdy in their gold pots. They'll be vibrant and exuberant and strong. At least I'm going to try to teach them to be that way.

My horse will help with that. I can tell because it was always around. Never left to go wander or do it's own thing. Was always there for me. I love that I didn't ever go looking for the horse - it came to me. That's always been my little girl's fantasy. That my "horse" will unexpectedly come into my life, then stick around for as long as needs by, preferably eternity. =] My horse was protection. My horse was my friend.

I love the storm analogy. I didn't mind getting wet, but I was still cautious to avoid the immediate danger. That's how I go about it as well. I don't seek my trials but I definitely don't shy away from them. I face them with my head held high.

My friend is going through an excruciatingly hard time right now. She's so incredibly strong and so incredibly brilliant. She's a beautiful person literally inside and out. Has so many things to offer the world, and her immediate friends and family and community. Yet loved ones in her life are not seeing that. It's heartbreaking to see that she does not believe this because these people have told her so. I want somehow to help her see this. I'm doing all I can. I jump at the chance to have her tell me how she's feeling. I want to be the best supportive friend that I humanly can. But there's only so much I or any of us can do without her trying to believe it herself. And it's going to be hard to come to that belief. She's going to have to really rely on the Lord for Him to show her the bigger picture. And hot dang, she'll have to forgive her loved ones, especially her mother. I love that the Atonement is designed for that. How beautiful a concept that the Savior was aware that my friend would be suffering and He willingly embraced that suffering and made it obsolete and accounted for it through His love and humility. How beautiful that 2000 years ago, my friend was thought of and considered and concerned over and loved. How beautiful that if she only accepts this fact and takes advantage of it, that her pain will be lessened, even removed through His LOVE. How beautiful is this gospel!

I am so grateful that I have the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is a knowledge - I know it to be true. I know that my Heavenly Father lives and is aware of every aspect of my life. He knows that I am thinking of Him right now as I type this sentence. He is aware of my challenges, aware of my shortcomings, aware of my aspirations and dreams and deepest desires. And He wants to be actively involved. He is actively involved because I make Him so. I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, lives as well. I know that He suffered for all of those shortcomings I have, all of the idiotic things I've done, all of the times I've hurt other people, all of the times I have felt lonely, afraid, heartbroken, desperate, worried, stressed, or confused. He also shares in my joys. I know that Joseph Smith saw Them almost two hundred years ago. I know it. I have actually been to the place where it happened. You don't have to travel there to know of the truth of the account, but to actually be there is an added witness to my testimony that Joseph Smith was indeed a prophet of God. He translated the Book of Mormon, that sacred book that testifies of my beloved Friend and Savior Jesus Christ. That sacred book that gives me so much guidance and insight and knowledge. Through that sacred book is how most of my knowledge of the gospel was obtained. That sacred book taught me about the Spirit, the Holy Ghost. I have such a strong and enduring testimony of the Spirit. I am learning more and more how to recognize the promptings and messages I receive from the Spirit. In the past I have had countless experiences so dear to my heart. Through the Spirit I have been able to develop a love for my Heavenly Father and for my Savior. I have so much hope and security in knowing that I can communicate with my Father in Heaven through the Spirit. I can communicate! It's a two-way street. I can testify to that. I also have security in this life because I know that the prophet today, Thomas S. Monson, also communicates with God. He receives revelation for the Church and for me during these chaotic times in the world. All in all, I am so incredibly blessed for having this knowledge. I don't always recognize the magnitude of these blessings until I hear of someone who doesn't know of it. Which leads me to want to share that with them. How anyone could not feel the way I feel about life, and the purpose of it, and for the world and life to come... it's unfathomable. I see the suffering, the wandering in the world. I feel so compelled to share it with those who are needing and seeking it. I don't want anyone to feel like they are lacking. I want them to have the fullness of joy!


This life is beautiful. It may be a desert at times, but it's got such a wonderful watering hole that I can't help but plunge in!

.new soul.

It's funny how many thoughts that need to be put in a blog run through my head as soon as I sit down to start studying or something productive/worthwhile.
This is a pretty introspective time for me right now. I'm really realizing more things about myself and it's through people's reactions to me. How they treat me. How they don't treat me. What they tell me. Who speaks to me. Who laughs with me. Who laughs at me. But I don't have those realizations solidified yet so I don't want to write this here. That's how I work. I have to have all the answers/ideas completely formed in my head before I can actually bring them out into the real world. Some people don't like that I do that - they want to know what's going on in my head right there, right now. But that's how they work. I'm more introverted in the sense that I figure things out inside before I speak/act on them.

I feel like people are progressing forward, people are doing things with their lives, people are learning, people are adapting, people are growing and I am stagnant. I am in a routine where I don't necessarily grow. Sure I'm learning academic things but how much of it actually applies? How much of Johann Sebastian Bach's life am I going to have to know in my future career or for my family? How much of the theories behind psychological testing am I going to need when I'm raising my children or working in the Church? I feel like people around me are basically doing things and I'm doing nothing. If I had a choice of being left behind or leaving others behind, I'd rather leave them behind. It sounds selfish and that's because it is. I guess that means I'd rather be successful than see my friends and loved ones achieve their dreams. I hate that about myself. This semester is supposed to be about everyone else. I made it a goal that I'd get out of myself and help others. I am not making a squat of difference in anyone's life right now. Sure, I'll be there for the occasional heart-to-heart or venting session, but what does that actually accomplish for that person? Nothing. It only makes them dwell on their problems more and sit around moping/wondering/worrying instead of getting out there and changing it. Why am I such a worthless friend/sister/daughter/cousin/niece?

I'm in a self-esteem rut too. It happens sometimes, deal with it. But this one is different. Normally it's an internal self-esteem. I feel like I'm a good person, I KNOW that I'm a daughter of Heavenly Father and that I am loved endlessly and ETERNALLY by Him. I know that. I know I have a lot of talents and I have a lot to offer. That's not what I'm worrying about. I'm worrying about my outside traits. Which is so superficial and so....girly. It's not me. I haven't had these thoughts since probably middle school. Actually I know it was middle school - when I had a reason to. I had that ridiculous mouthpiece thing and was super self-conscious about it. I learned back then that a lot of physicalities that might bother you NO ONE notices. So don't fret. And for the few things that people do notice, since they already notice it, you can't do anything about it. So just live and let live, learn to love who you are on the outside and embrace it. I gained a ton of confidence that way. And I do still have it to a degree. But now I'm starting to falter. Because I'm realizing that you actually do have to care how you look if you want any, uh, attention from that other sex. I HATE society and how they do that! Even re-reading a bit of what I've just written makes me sick. It's a weird dichotomy that I'm in. Anyway, yeah. Guys here in Provo are pretty superficial. They're PICKY because they can afford to be. It's one thing back home to find the pretty girls, realize they're idiots, and then turn back to the plain/ugly fun/smart/interesting girls. But here they're pretty much all good girls AND attractive. So those of us who might have a lot to offer, those who have a "good personality" or who are "really great" or "sweet spirits" get basically shafted because of the girls who "have it all." I'm pretty sick of it. I'm sick of being shafted just because my skin isn't the caliber of Snow White. (Well, I've got the color right...heh) Just because I'm not a size 2. Just because my nose is slightly larger than it should be. Just because I don't cough out mountains of cash to have my eyebrows perfected. Just because my haircut doesn't perfectly accentuate my face. Just because my teeth aren't fantastically white. Just because my arms aren't toned. It's ridiculous. And some are going to deny it. They'll say I'm being sensitive, overly critical. But if you look at my track record, there's a pretty big correlation to when I was in an "attractive" state, like junior year of high school, and the number of people showing interest/dates/whatever. It's AGGRAVATING. I'm the friend. I love being that. I love being the person that people can come to. But that's the age-old question isn't it, HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THE FRIEND STAGE? How do you get someone to see you in that "other light" after they've gotten to know you? There's got to be an attraction beforehand, everyone says it. But that's impossible at this point. Yes, I'm probably sounding irrational. But I just needed to get this out there. I'm not WILLING to change these things...I've learned to accept them...And it's not GOOD enough for people. So I'm just going to be the stubborn git that I am and become that spinster I've always threatened to become.

I really do love life, I promise.

.pensamientos.

I love Spanish. I love everything about it. I'm still not fluent, but I'm improving exponentially now that I have a native profesora. There's so many rules and so many nit-picky things to learn about the language. I'm learning to just forget about those rules, relax a bit more, and just let it flow. Sometimes it does. It helps that I have friends who are fluent. When we talk, I get intimidated a lot of the time because I don't feel like I measure up to their level. But at least I get some wicked-good practica. This summer's going to be amazing with the Foreign Language Program. I'm excited to just immerse myself in it. Again, it's going to be hard. Not only am I not going to know anyone, it's going to be a lot of work and brainpower in order to make it as successful as possible. But I can do it. This is something I really want to do.

I've been thinking a lot about who I am as a person. I was speaking with a friend about passive/agressive/passive-aggressive/assertive personality types. And I realized I'm not sure who I am in that regard. I would like to think of myself as an assertive person. But the mere fact that I am pondering this in the depths of cyberspace and don't already have it figured out makes me more passive-aggressive than anything. I hate that I'm passive-aggressive. It's as wishy-washy as I can get. There's nothing super good about that. I can never make up my mind. And when I do, sometimes I don't feel like I stick to that decision.
But I definitely have assertive traits. I'm always respectful (unless I'm teasing someone) when I speak to them. I'm able to make compromises and negotiations. The things I'm not good at are direct communication. But again, I'm working on that. I've done it so much better the past few months now that that "saga" of last semester is over.

Change is weird. I might not be living with my roommates next semester. I'm staying here instead of going home for the summer. A lot of my friends are off on missions. Additional friends are getting married (some having KIDS already). Others are graduating and going home from Provo, and it's doubtful that I'll ever see them again in this life. But I'm not amazingly sad about these changes. The only one I'm having trouble with is the graduating one. I'm so happy for them - they've done it! They've graduated college! But my selfishness doesn't want them to leave. Some of these people have helped me in ways that they'll only know in the next life, I believe. And some of them are people I'd really like to get to know on a deeper level. I feel like a few particular ones are actually making a mistake to go home. They'd be more successful here (yes here in freaking Happy Valley) in their careers, in their higher education pursuits, and yes, even in their personal relationships area. One in particular.

Anyway, here's another pointless blog to an obscure/non-existent audience.

Adieu.

.spanking horses.

Man, a new year, another procrastinated blog. Real good thing no one reads this, f'sho.


Boy oh boy.


I have changed so much in the past few months since that last post. One of the biggest things I've learned is direct communication. In my life from this point on, there is never going to be a beating-around-the-bush experience...ever again. So much in life can get done more efficiently if you just get right to the point. My life would be a lot different if I had been direct a few months ago...I got lucky that time and it all worked out for the best. But if certain things hadn't happened while I was being indirect, I would definitely have a different life right now. Or at least one detail would be different. Which is aggravating sometimes.

I love how that was about THE vaguest paragraph ever... so much for directness...


Another huge thing I've learned: I need to laugh more often. Every single person is going through crazy-hard things right now...me included. So why not just learn to laugh? I've always considered myself a happy person. But the past few weeks I haven't been that person. Instead of putting my problems aside, I've tried grappling and fretting over them. But now I've learned to just find happiness in the moment. Especially humor in the moment. It took a pretty blunt blow by one of my closest friends to realize that. I've been working on that the past few days and it's working marvelously.


One interesting thing that's different about me...I'm not opposed to dating anymore. All last school year I was basically morally against it. But something changed when this school year hit. I learned to unlock that retaining wall around my heart and to let go a bit. To actually let someone have access to that...
I didn't let anyone have full access, though, and that's been my problem from the get-go. But I feel now that I'm ready to devote myself entirely to someone else. Maybe not in a marriage sense, definitely not. But just to actually form a relationship with someone...that'd be quite the feat for me. Or maybe I just need someone to actually devote themselves to me. It's a really selfish thing to need, let alone write about. But I'm definitely open to the prospects. NOT going out and looking for it by any means but certainly walking around with an open mind and heart from now on.


I miss performing.


Mmk, it's super late. Grateful for a ton of things, I promise. Just no time to do the countdown this time. Next time for sure.


I love how I'm making promises to no one.